'ME' tHe sInnEr

I don't wanna be a sinner,
So I read;
I don't wanna be a sinner,
so I seldom talk;
I don't wanna be a sinner,
So I try to give everything they want;
I don't wanna be a sinner,
So I want to be spiritual;
I don't wanna be a sinner,
So I pray;
I don;t wanna be a sinner,
So I don't laugh much;
I don't wanna be a sinner,
So I stopped complaining;
I don't wanna be a sinner,
So I stopped working;
I don't wanna be a sinner,
So I have stopped being precious;
I don't wanna be a sinner,
So I don't pretend to be trustworthy;
I don't wanna be a sinner,
So I don't feel hurt anymore;
I don't wanna be a sinner,
So I cry;
I don't wanna be a sinner,
So I have stopped loveing;
I don't wanna be a sinner,
So I have stopped Living.
Still it hurts.....why??

Just a Routine

Once upon a time I was considered as a skinny dame. And lately gym-ing is something that’s new in my life! Yes, I believe I need-ed it, not to recuperate skinniness but to be fit ! I know my friends on reading this would laugh hysterically.
Anyway, I have always considered gym-ing as just a luxury and status symbol thingy, where you enter with all branded sporty accessories, show-off and then come back. But unless you enter the ‘exercise cave’ the above statement would not be justified and once you get in you would be baffled to know other things too.
While I was grappling with my skinniness, my friends used to call me ‘haddi’, ‘chickenless bone’ etc etc..and now suddenly I found myself trapped with unnecessary fats (which they termed as a blessing). Flexibility was all lost it seemed. Only thing that made me happy was that I wouldn’t be deciphered as skinny. (I know repetition of words is forbidden but please pardon me here).
So where were we? The Gym. Therefore, a few days back I joined this stretching zone not to show off but to fight the fatness off and elasticize myself (immediately realizing that the above comment doesn’t go with every individual) And to my surprise or I should rather say Sadly I was the slimmest among the whole crowd !! I felt offended and astonished at the same time. Still I continued and somehow convinced myself that I am just fine and coming here is fun ! No one interrupted me when I took undeclared rests in between, no special diet-chart for me, no boil water drinking, nothing. I felt as happy as a kid having fun in an open play ground without restriction. I am hardly being noticed, I thought. I was wrong. Females actually talked about me and noticed me.
It was only yesterday that I found myself entrapped in my own comment (above) when I overheard two fatso females mouthing about me secretly, “Did you see her? Does she really need to come here? Shelling money for the already fit body? Aur patle hona hai, aur patle hona hai (want to become thin and thinner) huh. Pata hai it’s nothing but a mere show-off to make us feel jealous.” (!!!!!)

Me-DUMSTRUCK !!! It was both hilarious and stupefying moment of the tragedy for me. Lol....I can’t write more…but the gossip ofcourse inspired me to continue with stretching simply to become an inspiration for the fatsos.
Cheers !!

Yes ! Its You....

Folks, this time you won’t be served with some hot, spicy and freshly cooked matter rather I have something rare that would take you to some other world and bring you back wiser and more known-to-yourself. Recently I came across (which is by the way a forwarded mail) but pleasantly true. If you are young and longing for something…. though you already have much of what you have desired for and still feel incomplete…then maybe you are not alone !!
Just read and you will find yourself in atleast a few lines if not all. I don’t even know the name of the writer as in who has written it but whomsoever he/she is, has a good observation and ofcourse skills to put down that suppressed feeling into words. Honestly after discovering myself in the same dilemma six months ago ( six long months !!) I gave a thought to write about it but nothing really came out then. While trying to write, I was in a fix if I would be assumed as a highly confused, messed up or indecisive girl who despite having all that she wanted, feel this way. I was afraid. So I dropped. And two days back this mail (was sent by my friend Reema) took me into its arms and said that I am not the only one who feel this but its ‘Natural’. And yes, there’s a hidden aspect of spirituality too in it if you people could find out while reading.
Happy Reading J



It is when you stop going along with the crowd
and start realizing that there are many things about yourself
that you didn’t know and may not like.
You wonder where you will be in a year or two,
but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that,
maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to
aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met.
And the people you have lost touch with
are some of the most important ones.
What you don’t recognize is that they are realizing that too,
and aren’t really cold, catty, mean or insincere.
But that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job… and it is not even close
to what you thought you would be doing.
Or maybe you are looking for a job…
and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger.
You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual.
Because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life,
and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn’t.
You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life.
You feel alone and scared and confused.
Suddenly, change is the enemy.
And you try and cling on to the past with dear life,
but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away.
And there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get heart broken and wonder
how someone you loved could do such damage to you.
Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can’t meet anyone
decent enough that you want to get to know better.
Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too
and cannot figure out why you’re doing this.
Because, deep inside, you know that you aren’t a bad person.
You want to settle down for good
because now all of a sudden that becomes top priority.

Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.
You begin to think a companion for life is better than a hundred in the shack.
And for once you would not mind standing tall for that special someone
which otherwise you had never thought of until now.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over,
and talk with your friends about the same topics
because you cannot seem to make a decision.
You worry about loans, money, the future.

And making a life for yourself…
And while winning the race would be great,
right now you’d just like to be a contender.
What you may not realize is that every one reading this relates to it.
We are in our best of times and our worst of times,
trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
Send this to your twenty-something friends…
maybe it will help someone feel like they aren’t alone in their state of confusion…
Welcome to the Quarter-life Crisis.

So friends what say? We feel that we feel different by feeling such things about our life and see how similar we all feel being so different !! Now Cheer up with a Cheers !

From This to That, that to There and to Him...

I Guess Jade Goody wouldn’t have got after death publicity (or space in newspapers and TV channels) , if at all she weren’t a racialist and a participant of Big Brother....defame also has its own advantages....not that she was a bad human, reports say that Goody was equally compassionate to orphans and needy Indians. May Lord rest her soul in peace.
Possibly I would have opined on few of the hot national, international, regional and personal updates?? Like..

*Varun Gandhi
*Ipl
*Nano
*Banning black glasses in cars
*Summer
*Water
* LS elections ofcourse
*Terrorists in Pakistan !!!! ( Well this would cover a ‘space’ for itself )
*Sanjay Dutt banned for LS elections and many more bla blas.. but I suppose News Channels and Newspapers are already leaking with them. Therefore, I dropped.

So lets talk nothing in particular but personal updates in a purely personal way. Because according to people here (or say considering my age and all) the ‘updates’ are particularly about ‘Are you d engaged...when are you planning to get married?’ and things like that. I wonder what update would they want after I marry....lolzz...I feel sickk. To marry is so very important I realised lately or you would be strangled to death with a rope of stupid questions. Not that I don’t want to marry or something its just that.....well... M I answerable to everyone?
Of course not dude !
‘I am like your mother, you can tell me; Don’t you think its late?; What do you waaaannntt?; Do you like someone?’ Hell lot of answers they want to know for their nose-poking questions. How on Earth could I explain this is just not the time....., why, they would ask and I give a damn to explain why. I came across a few real traditional families who want their not-eligible-sons to be tied into nuptial knots and I found a few things irritably common in all of them, don’t know if all the marwaris come from same genes but one thing I know and scream about is ‘I am not like you people, have mercy.’ Everything in them makes me really indifferent, uninterested, unresponsive and all ‘un(s)’ towards them.
Okay I was talking about the common features or questions or looks or whatever.
*Hobbies: Agh! The common-est and most disgusting question ever heard...can’t they just ask it in some other way like....’what I like or dislike’ or what interests me most or what I do at leisure time?
What if I reply that I love to freak out, surfing, friends and partying...naah they don’t want to listen this. What interests them is mehandi, stitching, cooking and those oldie stuff. Am not against all this but am for freedom to speak, hear and everything. Actually they keep changing, I concluded.
*Job: Well we are traditional people and don’t believe in girls-at-work funda. But don’t worry, we are affluent and there’s a lot of money here. Huh!!?
*Driving: Arrey we toh have drivers at home and above all, gents in the family are the dominating factors, so they drive. Okhayy!!?

They have many more issues like these and I don’t consider them to be really important. Now comes the common looking guys...fat stomach, fat glasses and a fat rather swollen mouth filled with gutka I avoid to peep in or I would be baffled looking at iron stained teeth, by god! Some of them have such big nose that I imagine myself flying in from one nostril and out from the other. Lolzz its hilarious, I feel like laughing my lungs out at that most serious state. I concentrate on the humour part to compose myself. Maan..God knows that I don’t really hate all the traditions and all but imposition is what I can’t stand. Why can’t the trends be changed a bit. Why is this authority to decide is always given to Men, I am trying to rule over here at my time. We girls expect from the compatibility part all other things are secondary.
Oh, I forgot to mention the most wanted stuff, The Dowry !! Before they decide to see the girl, they want to know ‘Party kitne ki hai’ or ‘Kitna lagaenge’. What silly jargons. Luckily I haven’t come across such things yet or I would have cleared them with party kitne ki hai.
Aahhh....this personal update thing doesn’t seems to be a good idea here...it gives me a feeling of ‘lifelessness’ and am not lifeless c’mon.
Good idea! How about Books and Movies? Sounds Interesting ( atleast better than the above(s). Very lately I have got this habit of reading books followed by watching the motion pictures of the same that tells me so much about writing and filming at the same time! Undoubtedly I find the writing part i.e books more arresting than the films.
Lets say ‘The Kite Runner’, read the book and you will come to know the beauty of writing, watch the film and you will know the kindness of editing. Seriously, sometimes the zeal of converting a book into a movie kills the whole concept and life of the story: My opinion.
Movies like ‘Message in a bottle’, ‘PS, I Love You’, ‘Marley and me’ and many more didn’t give me the same feeling when I finished the books. Somewhere I couldn’t find the characters were justified. Yet am enjoying this new hobby of mine, (hobby again??) it activates the rational and emotional glands that gives a lot of space to myself for myself. I was always fond of reading and to collect books but hardly spared time to read them, I felt cruel to leave them unread.
Then came this guy or ‘The Reader’ whose views, maturity, knowledge and wisdom inspired me or say who fixed up a reading instrument in my braino to read books. Good, better or best ones. Unlike Journalism the guy very un-forcefully and secretly gifted me with one of the best habits in world. Reading.
And today, I starve for books. Gimme more and more, possibly I would end up opening a book store one day. That’s a dream I never realised before.
‘Books are your best friend in life’ they said, but I said, ‘What about the best friend who brought books into our life’??
Cheers!!

Beware Youngiess !!

The other day I was out for lunch with one of my friend to a restaurant when a bunch of youngies or I must say juveniles rushed in a haphazard manner in the restaurant. As I am not in direct touch with bubbly teenagers these days, it shocked me to discover that the current era of youth has jumped all blocks of mannerism.
An antonym to modesty I would say. I have always believed in the kind of freedom where one can stretch his wings long and fly high in the open sky, but honestly speaking those acts of blasphemous by the imprudent youngies strongly condemns the freedom of the above statement. It turned suffocating when the girls plopped down on the boys’ lap while kissing in the public place. Despite of sufficient place available, the group hardly above 16 years of age, soon seized attention of the people present there, including moi.
To my astonishment I heard myself saying that I wouldn’t allow my kid hang out with such kinda creeps. No sooner, the contemptuous acts strangled to question myself ‘what should i do in such situations? What power do I have to stop idiotic public display of affection?’ For a moment I thought to call up the cameraman of my newspaper, and click them to contribute a spicy pic to the next days’ paper but putting myself into their shoe....what I could see were the Parents. Broken.
Though I din’t get the answer then but soon the consequences were aired on several television channels. Mangalore’s pub incident where the Sriram Sena activists kicked, assaulted, battered, thrashed and did everything to the girls dancing in a pub. I don’t know what they were doing there, but probably the act of indecency becomes a victim to itself.
Watching the television I felt how cringing it was for every girl who were being molested by the sena’s beasts.
The incident is an example rather a threatening to all the youngsters including me not to indulge in such creepy activities that puts us nowhere but national TV. Guys and girls we need to be very alert these days. May be your intentions are not wrong but make sure it shouldn’t offend anyone who is with his family or sister or elder. Cause it puts us into real embarrassment!!
Control. No one can harm you.
Pub culture is very common in Karnataka and is being enjoyed since ages, its only now that the action has been taken that too particularly for girls. Amazing!! Even the Chief Minister of Karnataka is in favour for what happened. No apologies, nothing. If the pubs are opened they are because they have the permission and who grants it??? Answer: I don’t think it necessary to mention.
Why can’t girls go to the pubs? Why can’t girls go out with boys? Who on Earth dies without a heart for someone? Even the President of whatever Sena must be in love with someone and must be involved in filthy stuffs but we are Da Indians, more concerned about others.

May it be whatever....I don’t care what happened but from now onwards, remember if at all I find people creating filth around my surrounding I am not gonna spare. No, I won’t attack them like Sena people not at all, but at least I wont keep sitting mum and wonder what should I do.
I’ld gear up to face them and inform them what could happen if this continues, in spite of reporting about them or clicking.
We all need to educate our youngsters, give them examples of such incidents happened in the past. And in case of ‘too much’ we can threaten them or simply report. To what extent it works will be realised after we implement this.
At that time what we simply have to do is:
*Don’t laugh or move from the place on seeing indecency. ‘Bell Bajao’ Let them know ‘your foolish acts are being noticed’
*Approach the restaurant manager and complain to put this shit out and maintain a dignified atmosphere. (in case of restaurants)
*Explain them properly as if you are a philosopher or an educationist and you know the best, if you are younger then them it would play more bold cos when someone younger teaches you, it hurts, Rite !!
*If this doesn’t work threaten them and pretend to be hasty to lodge a complaint, they are youngsters yar....darr jaenge.
After then you know what to do haina.....

Well the Mangalore incident is really a serious matter that should be taken into charge. Everyone is infuriated. Dont wanna close down because I have so much to say, but maybe next time with something really hot !!!

" Heart...with or without wings...."

Don't connect my current mood with the poem below because it was written long back.....
Just felt like to share .............



"Where actually is the life heading..asks every human being,
Whoa ! how irony to say, my heart flattering with wings;
I gladly say its mine,
Though ofcourse its full of boundaries and a yellow line;
Very often I admit am happy and gay, Yet frequently am found weeping in a corner of the day;
Tired pretending to be Free and Enthusiastic,
I have left no space to accept that am not traumatic;
May be this time its all about self obsession or depression,
Sadly I find only this way to express agression;
Yes, am a confused creature I believe,
Yet I find it very easy to live;
Flying high and building my own nest was once the purpose of 'My Life',
Has been Eternally slaughtered into pieces with weapons and knife;
With no regression, I have got a lot for confession,........changed to......Being a person of fashion and Compassion;
It isnt a deal for me to make an Impression, I thought;
Because Life is not as hard as it is said,
If aimed to provide sacred help and aid.
For ME, even helping others becomes an obstruction,
Surely puts me into depression;
I question, Is it only Family whom I am here for ?
They answer..the question is as sweet as sour;
I wonder is this life living or dead as we never know what is waiting for us ahead;
I am grim and gloomy today,
This time am sure about the reason why;
There are things floating in the sub-concious mind,
Struggling to conquer and then Find !!

Something Happens But Nothing.......

Quite strangely thoughtful today about something that I generally do not intend to write in a place like here......Because Nothing Really Happens.
The noon of adolescence comes up with a feeling of restless inquisitiveness within us, or may be in me, that I realised lately. How what where and who seems like, have become the most vital part in Life. Can’t believe it’s not a dream!! Love is just so lovely, I thought. Then It seemed, never thought.
Again Love looks beautiful to me....but this time not the way I felt earlier. They say Life has something else to serve you. What? Don’t Know but something else. Re-write.
Re-write the future again and then again. Why? Of course to make it better. But see its still not better, Because it is not future, it echoed.
Love came and went, Nothing happened. Love is an illusion, voice came.
Tears shy away to reveal anything. Sometimes. Smudged within, someone said. Twitching of left eye is considered to be sinister, again they said. Nothing Happened. No, its not at all depressing but seems dispelled. Temporarily, I thought.
My 'I' is always different but same with myself. May it be when 'I Was' or when 'I Am' or when 'I Will' See everything keeps changing but 'I' ................Still Nothing Happens.
BUT.......Only Because I don't want to be Sorry to Life.......Something Happened !!
The same Something that happens with everyone, nothing new. Same things make all humans happy and the same things bring sorrows. Monotonous. Secretive. Homicidal. Satirical.
Here, Me, My Words and My Language matters, they peeped......and My Temperament?? Nah !! buzzed again.
Amitabh starts writing in Hindi in his Blog page and Advani replies to the mails, Matters!! Child Abduction, Doesn't. Abhishek Bachchan is happy, Our Mood ?? Here, Same doesn't happen.
Wheww ! The illicit law of Living.....
Sometimes Grey and Sometimes Blue......
Love doesn't sticks to anyone as Glue.....
They sneaked again and said see its New......
And this happens to only a Few......
But, I realised its the again the same old Crew......, 'I' said this time.